NEWSLETTER

CAN WE SERVE TOO SELFLESSLY?

Sitting outside with my dad on the deck watching the blue jays drink from the fountain, looking at the grapevines, the fig tree filled with fruit, the mountains in the distance-I’m in heaven. In the kitchen our friend Rebekah is making dinner. My roommate Carole is creating a fruit salad and my brother Greg is working in the yard. Only weeks ago I felt stressed, alone and running on fumes. I was making three meals a day, doing laundry, cleaning, hosting guest after guest, working on dad’s care plan and experiencing the emotions that come with the passing of my beloved father. I kept telling myself that this is just the work mothers mothers all over the world do every day. Yet having been retired from caretaking I needed to readjust to that energy level. When I noticed that I was becoming unable to maintain being in the moment I realized I needed help and put out an SOS. Help came and now I can continue on.

We who are in service, as all mothers are, can become so entrenched in our work we loose sight of our own needs. This leads to classic homemaker burnout. It creeps up on us. We don’t even know it’s happening until we crack and start yelling or getting sick or hating what we formerly loved. We who selflessly serve need to find a balance between free flowing service and replenishing the source of our impulse to serve. That is the only way selfless service can continue to be joyful service.

It is easy to mix up absolute principles with relative principles. In absolute terms we can disappear into service with the only consequence being enlightenment. In relative terms we are human and need to attend to our own needs in order to continue serving. It seems obvious but somehow, deeply and unconsciously, we who are devoted to service, feel guilty or wrong about attending to our own human needs. We may compare ourselves to imaginings of Mother Teresa or some other icon of service and come up short in our own estimation. It helps to bring these feelings to the surface in order to reexamine their veracity.

Sometimes the desire to serve is laced with the desire to be in control. When we serve we are the ones calling the shots. When my brother came in to help with dad’s care he had different ideas than mine about how to work with hospice and medications. I had to let go of absolute control and let my brother play out his plan. In order to open to the support of others we need to be prepared to let them express themselves. I remember when Nicole was about 7 years old. She was helping me fold the laundry and carefully rolled the face towels into little balls. This is not the way I had done it and at first I wanted to undo her work and have it done my way. There are times to teach our way and there are times to gracefully accept the gift others give. I learned that in order to open to support from others I need to let go of control.

Letting go of control, sometimes by being brought to our knees by sheer exhaustion, is the first step in letting in support. The next step is asking for help, asking for help from our friends, our family and from the Universe. We enter with no idea of where this support will ultimately come from. It may come from a neighbor, a stranger, a family member, or, as in my case, a roommate. Carole, my roommate, moved into Nicole’s, room when Nicole moved out. I had no idea at the time that my father would be moving in with me. She thought she was moving into a quiet home with one quiet roommate. She was then deluged with my whole family and the drama of a dying patriarch. Not only did she flow with the energy of the changes going on in our home, she has become my most profound support during this dynamic period. When I feel tired she makes me a cup of tea, when I get too caught up in the home she invites me to join her in an art class. She tenderly listens and helps me care for my father. Although she is not a family member or even an old friend she has stepped in to take a pivotal role in caring for my father during his last months and he adores her.

Another gift my SOS brought was the aide of my brother. Greg flew in from Portland to be with dad and help me with dad’s care. With Greg taking over dad’s care I was able to leave the house for the first time since this all began. One day I went for a walk in a redwood forest. The fresh green air, the stillness and quiet of those one legged giants nourished my mind and body. Another day I went to visit a friend in Grass Valley. We talked for hours. I was able to pour out my sorrow and anger without fear of being misinterpreted. Being alone in nature, being with an old, dear friend are both effective ways of refreshing ourselves. It is important for homemakers to leave our homes to rejuvenate our tired selves. As long as we are home it’s hard to avoid the pull of all the millions of things that need our care.

Loosening my grip of control, asking for help and opening to help coming in unexpected places has restored me to a state of ease. In that state of ease I can continue to hold a center of love in the home. My kitchen no longer belongs to me, but I am being fed by others at my table. The living room has become community space and the rest of my home has become a bed and breakfast for the pilgrims visiting my father. My only personal space is this desk I am writing at and my bedroom. Even those spaces are not available when a guest sleeps in the office or Nicole and Nai’a visit and sleep in my bed with me. Yet, support and love and laughter and tears abound. I can maintain a center of love for my father and everyone who visits thanks to the support and love that has materialized, sometimes from unexpected places.

Jacqueline

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